The recent killing of Cecil the Lion by an American dentist has made headlines. Many, many, many, many headlines. People are so worked up over losing their “beloved” Cecil, that the dentist has been receiving threats, has had his property vandalized, and has had protesters outside his dental practice. This, on top of the African government wanting him extradited to answer for the killing.
To keep in line with the modern tradition of journalistic integrity that is seen splashed across our daily newsfeeds, Daddy Anarchy is weighing in on the subject. We were able to track down a compatriot of Cecil’s…a fellow lion, who was willing to dish on the events (Thankfully, he wasn’t willing to dish on Daddy Anarchy, because he is a lion after all and they have been known to eat people.)
Ladies and Gentlemen,
An Interview with Bob the Lion:
Me: Hi everyone! We’re here with Bob the Lion! Bob’s joining us all the way from the jungles of Africa to discuss the recent events surrounding the killing of the beloved lion, Cecil. Thanks for joining us, Bob. And deepest sympathies on the passing of your fellow lion, the beloved Cecil.
Bob: Oh, thanks man. Pleasure being here.
Me: So, Bob…cutting right to the chase, since your beloved brethren Cecil has been gunned down, what’s the word down there on the streets…er…the jungle?
Bob: Pretty much business as usual, Tom. Chasing hippoes. Swatting flies with my tail. The usual. I know it may come as a surprise to some, but Cecil wasn’t the only lion down here.
Me: True. But Cecil was so beloved…
Bob: He was a lion, Tom. He ate gazelles and stuff. And licked himself a lot. Oh, and he slept a shitload, too. That’s what we lions do. I wouldn’t necessarily equate that to being “beloved.” It’s not like the guy was taking pictures with kids or visiting people in hospitals like Poodles do. Rumor has it, he even ate a Poodle once.
Me: No shit? A Poodle?
Bob: Yeah. I hear they taste a little gamey. And anyway, he really only became so “beloved” to the American people once word got out that some rich American paid to kill him. It sucks for Cecil, but I’d be curious to find out how many Americans actually knew who Cecil was before any of this. I’d be willing to bet that most people thought the most famous African lion was in The Lion King…Mumba or Jumba, or whatever.
Me: Mufasa and Simba
Bob: Meh. Whatever. Never really liked that movie. I always preferred Smokey and the Bandit II…the one with the elephant. And speaking of elephants…wanna know some elephant trivia?
Bob: They taste like chicken.
Me: Huh. Anyway…I’m sure you’re aware that Cecil’s killing is causing quite the stir over here in the U.S.
Bob: I know, right? I’ve been watching that crap on CNN. Blows my mind. You’d think you guys have enough other stuff to worry about.
Me: Hmm. Good point. But aren’t you concerned about having the same thing happen to you? Getting unlawfully whacked by some poacher?
Bob: To be honest, I’d rather take my chances with the poachers than live in Baltimore or Chicago. Have you seen their murder rates? You fuckers are crazy. Boggles the mind that so many of you are so quick to beat the war drums against poaching animals in another country, yet don’t get worked up the same way when your own people are getting poached in record numbers. Unless, of course it’s a cop pulling the trigger. Then all bets are off. Phew. Thank goodness the douchebag who sent Cecil to Jesus was a dentist instead of a cop!
Me: But poaching is wrong!
Bob: And murdering each other isn’t? You guys are weird.
Me: What do you think of the fella that killed Cecil…the dentist?
Bob: He’s got nice teeth. HA! NICE TEETH….DENTIST…GET IT? Yeah, so…I think he’s an asshole. Someone who’s got too much money and can’t think of anything constructive to do with it. Know who else I think are assholes? The people that own Zoos. Education, shmeducation. There’s a difference between facilities that rescue and rehab animals, and places that keep animals locked up so you humans can pay a couple bucks to walk around and look at us up close. I’ll never quite understand why you voyeuristic bastards insist on building an animal prison in every major city. Sure the animals are fed well, and treated well…blah blah blah. You know where else they’re fed well and treated well? OUT HERE! Sure you might have to run at a good clip to catch your dinner, but I’d much rather that than being stuck in some small enclosure with some fat kid named Gary sucking on a Drumstick and wiping his disgusting fingers all over my window. But anyway, the dentist…he’s getting bent over pretty good as it is. Humans acting out and attacking the guy and vandalizing his property isn’t really cool though. They don’t speak for us. And they actually might benefit from trying to act a bit more like the animals they’re trying to “protect.” You know…NOBLE. If the dude broke a law, that should be addressed. Hit him in the wallet. Make him fund the care for Cecil’s cubs since they may be in danger. But it’s amazing to me, all the issues my country has, that we’re making waves about extraditing the dentist when genocide, terrorism, genital mutilation, sex slavery, and a host of other shit is actively going on.
Me: You really are noble.
Bob: Fuckin’ A Tweetie.
Me: So what do you think we humans could do differently? I mean, we really are trying…we’ve got pictures of endangered animals lighting up the Empire State Building, Ricky Gervase is waging social media war on all hunters, tons of people are writing blogs on animal rights, and everybody hates Ted Nugent.
Bob: Dude. The only animal that belongs on the Empire State Building is King Kong. Why don’t you self righteous soap box saviors put pictures of your missing and exploited kids up on tall buildings? Why don’t you dedicate more media attention to stuff like childhood cancer? Or drug and alcohol addiction? Why don’t don’t you guys vandalize and protest drug houses? Why don’t you guys get that Ricky Gervase guy to just shut the fuck up already? We get it! You love animals, Ricky! But you know what? Hunting happens. Sometimes it’s done illegally, but more often than not, it is done legally. And no offense, but some people like eating meat. Hell, I do! And think of it this way, given the chance, beloved Cecil would’ve ate you, Mr. Funny Pants. And Ted Nugent? I LOVE ME SOME NUGE! Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, baby! Cat Scratch Fever! That’s My JAM! I mean, don’t get me wrong, that fucker is all sorts of crazy and I’d probably scale a tree if I ever saw him coming at me…but WANGO TANGO MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU GOT ME IN A STRANGLEHOLD, BABEEEEE…
Me: Bob? BOB?!!
Bob: Oh. Hee hee. Sorry. I was having a flashback to that time at the ’81 US Festival. Good times. Motley Crue was there too! Now that’s a crime…those guys are retiring!
Me: Alrighty then. Well, it’s getting late and I know you probably have to head out and chew the ass off some water buffalo or something, but are there any final thoughts you’d like to add before we go?
Bob: Be good to each other. It’s ok to love animals and want to make sure that we’re not abused and shit, but before you go getting all jacked up over a picture of some hunter with a dead giraffe, do something about all the animals getting killed daily in your own country’s shelters. Help promote and fund no kill shelters. Take care of your environment. You bastards make it seem like you care so much for animals, yet why don’t I really ever see oodles of articles, late show monologues, and celebrity tweets about all the displaced wildlife in Florida and other places, caused by building more stuff you guys don’t need? I mean, shit…I like Starbucks and Panera as much as the next lion, but I don’t need one on every corner! And most importantly, take care of your damn kids. This is the biggie. If you really want to be the voice for those who can’t speak, be the voice of the children. They’re your future. Sure, it’s nice when you stand up for us animals when we suffer an injustice, but you know what? Your kids need it more. Let’s see more attention given to missing and exploited children. Child abuse. Youth gangs. Youth addiction. Youth pregnancy and STDs. Childhood diseases…the mental ones included. Children suffering from poverty, hunger, shitty education…just what the fuck is that common core horseshit, anyway? See what I mean? Get your priorities straight, people.