We had a family fun day at Sea World today.
There are a couple things we can take away from that statement as facts:
1. Our family went to Sea World today
2. It should have been fun
In all actuality, that statement should have read:
We woke up way too early and packed everybody, and all of our shit, including toys, snacky cakes, changes of clothes, and Xanax, into our car like a bunch of highly agitated and sleep deprived sardines, and drove at breakneck speeds to ensure we got an up close parking spot (which we didn’t) for Sea World’s Barbecue, Brews, and Bands festival, knowing full well that I don’t drink brew, the kids hate barbecue, and the “band” hasn’t had a hit single in the past 20 years. And even then it was only one. And it sucked. And (BREAKING NEWS) it still sucks.
So anyway, we all made it through the day in one piece. Sure, there were arguments. Amongst ourselves and with strangers. There was crying and screaming. Mostly from my wife. And I silently, and at times quite loudly, questioned why I ever gave up drinking.
All that being said, I did learn a few valuable lessons from our family fun day that I’d like to share with you, in the hopes that I can save you from any of the social hiccups that I went through today:
1. It’s always a good idea to trail far enough behind my crazy wife in the event that she gets into some sort of argument with a random tourist.
2. If for whatever reason, I’m in close proximity when the eventual argument with the random tourist happens, deniability is key. I deny that I know the crazy woman and hustle the kids past the lunacy before one of them points and says “Mommy’s at it again”. One side effect of this lesson is that usually the very next argument that the crazy wife starts, is with me. For walking by and ignoring her while she was arguing with the random tourist. It usually goes something like this:
Crazy Wife: BABE! WHAT THE F*&K!? YOU DIDN’T HAVE MY BACK BACK THERE!?
Me: Uh. It wasn’t really a “had your back situation.” You were the one that kinda sorta got out of control
Crazy Wife: THAT SHIT GOT REAL! THEY TOOK MY STROLLER PARKING FOR THE F*#KING WALRUS SHOW!!!
Me: Ok, there, Bad Boys. Ride or Die. Ride or Die…
3. When the three year old won’t sit still waiting for Shamu to perform, it’s probably not the best idea to tell him that if he doesn’t calm down, Shamu’s gonna jump into the audience and eat him up with his big, sharp Shamu teeth. Double asshole points for saying this while the Blackfish controversy is still so fresh in everyone’s mind.
4. Don’t say #3 within earshot of one of Shamu’s trainers
5. Be nice and don’t taunt the crazy animal rights protesters by clubbing a stuffed baby seal with a toy pirate sword as you drive by.
6. During the Up Close With Shamu educational segment with the trainers, don’t refer to Shamu as the Oreo of the Ocean. Honorable mention: don’t loudly laugh and point, making “Free Little Willy” jokes at how the male trainers are squeezed into their wetsuits.
7. Not a great idea to tell the gift shop manager that they do a bang up job promoting the wellbeing, education about, and non-exploitation of killer whales by selling a $125 dollar 7 foot long purple stuffed Shamu.
8. Don’t even bring up $125 dollar 7 foot long purple stuffed Shamu in front of your five year old daughter, unless you want to hear her bitch and moan the entire rest of the day about why she wants to take it home and keep it in the bathtub.
9. Alert the park’s EMS personnel to be on standby for when you tell your cheapska…financially responsible wife that you just spent $35 dollars on food. For yourself. This is a good lesson in the event that the wife has a massive aneurysm due to the amount of money you just spent on a meal that included a scoop of macaroni and cheese, or she tries to beat you to death with a $125 dollar 7 foot long purple stuffed Shamu, because of the amount of money you just spent on a meal that included a scoop of macaroni and cheese.
10. Don’t teach your three year old to jump up and down, shouting “YOU SUCK” between every song the shitty one hit wonder band, plays. You might think it’s cute, but event security (and the band) kinda frowns on that type of activity.
11. Do not ever, under any circumstances, buy those little dead fish to feed the seals with. And put them down your crazy wife’s shirt. It never, ever ends well.
There you have it. I’m sure most normal people will read this and go “this guy’s a moron” because they don’t ever have these problems. Yeah, right. Liars.
Anyway, time to relax after our mind numbing and nerve shattering family fun day. The kids are all tucked in and the crazy wife took a horse tranquilizer, so I shouldn’t be getting yelled at until at least tomorrow afternoon. When we go back to Sea World for round two.
Disclaimer: Sea World really is an awesome place to go. They do great things for the rescue and research of some of our planet’s most beautiful creatures, and you can honestly tell how much the trainers love the animals. I would not support something I don’t believe in, and although I would love to see all the Orcas living free in the wild, I also am mature enough to understand that right now there are no other viable solutions out there. I am also thankful for the opportunity to be able to see these majestic creatures up close. The Barbecue, Brews, and Bands festival is also a great time. And I don’t think they actually sell a $125 7 foot long purple stuffed Shamu. I highly encourage all of you to have your own family fun day at Sea World.
Just not when we’re there.