WARNING: There are spoilers for the series finale of Sons of Anarchy included in this post. Please do not read any further if you haven’t seen the finale yet. Then go ask yourself just what the fuck is actually wrong with you that you haven’t seen it yet.
Oh boy, have I ever opened a can of worms.
The following events all took place in the span of one teensy weensy 4 hour period between when Tommy (8) and Emma (6) got off the school bus, and my ever so demure wife got home from work:
* Tommy decided he wanted to join an outlaw motorcycle club.
* Emma got her little self all hung up on marrying the hot guy from Sons of Anarchy.
I know it might be hard to believe, based on my stellar parenting record, but I may have had a little something to do with this.
It all started innocently enough. My wife and I had just recently caught the heart wrenching series finale of SOA, and the next day while she was at work, I was left home alone…to my own devices.
Usually, not a good thing.
That being said, like most middle aged, heart broken, Jax obsessed women, I spent a good part of the day tearfully watching tribute videos on You Tube and and crying big alligator tears into my bowl of Bon-Bons*. Curse you, White Buffalo guy and your hauntingly beautiful ballads.
COME JOIN THE MURDERRRRRR
COME FLY WITH BLACK
HMMMMMM MMMMMM MMMMM HMMMM
YOU TOUCHED THE HAND OF GOD
HMMM HMMMM MMMMM
Gets me every time…
Anyway, when I got Tommy Boy and Emma home from the bustop, they noticed that I had paused whatever You Tube eulogy I was in the middle of watching for the umpteenth time.
And there on the big screen, was the beautifully tragic Golden God himself. Perched atop that beautiful blue classic panhead. Arms spread Christlike. Peacefully smiling.
Now, of course, instead of running off to torment the dogs or destroy some part of the house, the little fuckers just had to ask, “Whaddya watchin’?”
And of course, instead of saying it was a boring old motorcycle insurance commercial and just shooshing them on their way, I had to tell them the truth…
About what an awesome show it was and that this was the final scene in the series.
Then they just had to go ahead and ask if they could watch the video with me.
Being the apparently new parent that I am, I figured it wasn’t that bad…it was really more of an extended music video…Curse you again, White Buffalo guy…with Jax on his final ride, all those cops in tow, set to that song…
LIKE MARTIN LUTHER
*or something like that…*
Yeah. So again, I figured no big deal. The song would end. The screen would cut to the shot of the two birds. And that would be the end of it. The kids would be on their merry way, off to wreak havoc and destruction, leaving me alone to enjoy my White Buffalo and estrogen fueled pity party.
This is the part that I didn’t plan on.
The 8 kajillion questions part…
Tommy: Why did he drive into that truck?
Tommy: Did he die?
Tommy: Why wasn’t he holding on to the handlebars?
Tommy: What was his name?
Tommy: Do you think he was waving at those birds, that’s why he wasn’t holding on?
Tommy: What were those birds eating?
Tommy: Were those birds crows?
Emma: He’s cute. Is he married?
And that’s how it started…
And pretty much went on for the next 3 and a half frigging hours.
I basically had to give these two knuckleheads a complete history of seasons 1 through 7, making sure I left out all the really horrible stuff that happened in the show.
Needless to say, about two minutes in to trying to provide them with a kid friendly recap of the series, I realized that there was absolutely, positively no way possible to do that, seeing that Kurt Sutter guy is some kind of super talented, yet deranged lunatic. So I basically just started making shit up…
Tommy: So Jax, drove into that big truck because he made a lot of bad choices when it came to traffic laws?
Tommy: And then he didn’t really die, he just turned into the Crowman of the California Highway?
Me: Yes. The Crowman.
Emma: But is the Crowman married? Cause he’s a really cute Crowman.
Me: What??!! Yes!! No!!! I mean, I dunno….KNOCK IT OFF!!! YOU’RE ONLY SIX, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!
Emma: Tee hee hee. I laaaa-huvvvv The Craa-ho-mannnn!
Me: Shut up and go to your room till your 35.
And oh yeah, I forgot to mention that in the midst of all this, we had to go to the local Hellmart for some stuff.
And I wound up buying Tommy his own really cool SOA Redwood Original tee shirt.
And we kinda listened to the White Buffalo song the whole way there and back, cause I totally bought that shit on iTunes.
Curse you, White Buffalo
So, fast forward to the wife coming home from work and the first thing she sees when she walks in the door is Tommy vroom vrooming around the living room with his new SOA Redwood Original tee shirt on, playing motorcycle…
And Emma hugging a picture of Jax she found in a Cosmo**, while belting out the White Buffalo song on her little pink karaoke machine.
And me, sitting on the couch, all misty eyed, watching our tragic hero, The Crowman, take his final ride down the 580. For the kajillionth time.
Now this is right about the time where I’d tell you that I got yelled at, and I’d try to clunk out some half ass moral to the story…
Yeah. I got nothin.
I mean don’t get me wrong. I got my ass handed to me. Loudly. Louder than Tommy’s fake motorcycle engine.
And that’s pretty fuckin loud.
I got called an asshole. Irresponsible. A moron.
Ooh. And there was this…and I quote:
“The fucking Crowman of The California fucking Highway!!?? Congratulations, asshole. You’ve just reached totally new levels of stupidity.”
But in my defense, the kids didn’t see anything really bad. Besides the whole “alluding to driving face first into a semi truck” thing.
And the blood.
They might have seen the blood too.
No worries on that though. Totally told them that The Crowman spilled his cup of razzleberry fruit juice when he face planted himself into the truck.
Now, after the verbal thrashing I went through, which might I add, was way worse than anything uttered in all seven seasons of the show, I felt like I had to apologize to the kids for subjecting them to yet another thing that I’m in to. (I get that a lot…”You’re always trying to make them just like you!” Blah blah blobbity blah.)
I told them that I was sorry to have made them watch the video. And for listening to me talking about the show. And for buying Tommy the shirt. And for the whole White Buffalo song.
I explained that everything was fake. That The Crowman was really an actor named Charlie Hummus*** or something, and he’s alive and well.
Emma, of course was very happy about that part, but says she’s still gonna call him Jax because that just sounds much cooler than “Charlie.”
And then Tommy said the coolest thing…
“We knew it was all fake, Dad. Don’t worry. It doesn’t bother us at all…and it doesn’t scare us cause we know it’s just TV. The news is the real scary stuff. And Mom. She’s scary too. And I just think motorcycles are super cool. I still really want one, but I promise to follow all the traffic laws. And the shirt is awesome! It’s got a skull…Mom buys me stuff with skulls all the time. Maybe one day when I get older, me and you can watch the show together. You’re still a good Dad”
I was actually really happy he said that. I’ve got good kids. Despite myself. They know I’m not perfect and accept me anyway. And I gotta admit, we do have fun. No matter what the Foul Mouthed Moral Compass has to say.
But now, most importantly…
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO WATCH NOW???
* See what I did there? “Bon-Bons?” Total Peggy Bundy thing. And Peggy Bundy just happens to be Gemma Teller in SOA! I am such a douche!
** Another great moment in parenting…the Cosmo was mine. I like the surveys.
*** Just kidding. I know the dude’s name is Hunnam. I just had to take like one dig at the guy cause he’s just unbelievably good looking. AND MY 6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WANTS TO MARRY HIM!!!!
Em Sings White Buffalo
Thought I was kidding, huh? (Emma singing that White Buffalo song)