I think my eight year old son Tommy is turning into a werewolf.
And my five year old daughter Emma is quite possibly a vampire.
Then there’s the three year old, Raylan. He’s like a cross between Dracula’s sidekick Renfield, and Frankenstein.
Yep. My kids are straight out of a frickin horror movie.
And I’m like a slightly slower, dumber version of Dr. Van Helsing. The monster investigator.
If I was paying closer attention to the true monster-like traits my kids have been exhibiting, instead of being so focused on baking cakes and irritating my wife, maybe I would have noticed these things sooner.
Fuck it. Cake’s important, right?
Anyway, back to my kids being monsters. For the time being, I’m going to assume the role of Dr. Daddy Van Anarching: Monster Investigator Guy. I’m gonna hop into my time machine and transport us back to the time of Bram Stoker’s classic, Dracula. Once back in time, the following is a letter I’m writing to my colleagues at the University of All Shit That’s Supernatural and Otherwise Creepy As Fuck.
This is Dr. Daddy Van Anarching. Monster Investigator Guy.
I have recently spent some time in a household with three young children and their mother, a mid-thirties, somewhat volatile woman, with an aversion to simple household chores, and an affinity for profuse bouts of yelling, screaming, swearing, and turning different shades of red.
Regarding the children, at first everything appeared normal. They were all on their best behavior. Helpful, courteous, kind, angelic little children.
Then, after spending a prolonged period of time with these children, I began noticing…things. Things that pointed me in the direction of the possibility of…monsters!
I write to you today with my findings. I trust that you will be aware of the possibility of such supernatural things, and conduct investigations of your own households.
My findings to date:
Thomas: Aged 8
A bespectacled little fellow. Keen of wit, with an inquisitive mind, and boundless energy, the boy has extraordinarily heightened senses. Almost like that of a wolf! For example:
* Two hours after being put to bed, the wolf boy heard me whisper that I was going to grab a snacky cake out of the cupboard.
* Has a voracious appetite! Like that of a hungry wolf (and not of the Duran Duran variety.) I actually observed him chew through a box of Frosty Sugar Coated Choco Poofs, just to get to what was inside.
* Continually “marks his territory” in the bathroom. Or his aim is horrendous. Who knows.
* Can smell the ice cream carriage 37 miles away.
* Howls at the moon. Either that, or he’s just pissed he got sent to bed.
Emma: Aged 5
Coiled locks of golden hair frame the child’s perfectly porcelain-like face. She has the ability to completely brighten up a room with a simple smile. It’s almost like she casts a spell on everyone around her. Her childlike innocence only betrayed by behaviors and tendencies that lead me to believe she is….VAMPIRE! Allow me to explain:
* Stays up all night and sleeps all day. If iPads were invented during this time, I bet this is what she’d be doing all night. That, or roaming the countryside, draining the blood of peasants.
* Doesn’t like Holy Water. I mean Shower Water. She doesn’t like showers.
* Has the ability to turn to mist and disappear. Most commonly during times that chores are expected to be done.
* Is able to perform mind control. She did this to me on numerous occasions, usually batting her eyelashes and prefacing each request with a “Dadddddeeeeeee…..puh-leeeeeeeezzzzzeeeeee?” It never failed.
* She bites.
* She is able to turn into a bat. shit crazy person when she doesn’t get her way.
* Natural enemy: Her brother, the werewolf.
Raylan: Aged 3
This one left me a tad perplexed. He possessed no preternatural senses or abilities. As a matter of fact, it was almost the opposite. As evidenced by:
* Randomly walked into objects for no reason: The wall. The fence. The Poodles. Me.
* Carried on conversations with things not expected to conversate back. Such as his own testicles.
* Somehow had acquired the taste for such things as bugs, dirt, stale french fries, etc.
* Seemed completely under the control of The Vampire Emma. Always willing to do her bidding. This meant teasing the werewolf. Hiding a donut under the couch for her to eat when she finally arose sometime in the afternoon. Modeling dresses and lip gloss at her command…
* Pretty much has a square head. All that’s missing are a couple bolts sticking out the side.
So there you have it, fine colleagues. I believe the evidence is irrefutable. These kids are monsters. I’m sure some of you will fear for my safety, but fear not! I have plenty of mini-Snickers bars, that seem to keep these monsters at bay.
As far as I can tell, there is no way to stop these monsters either. Our only hope is for them to turn the age of eighteen, move out, find someone to marry them, and make little monsters of their own.
Good luck and Godspeed,
Dr. Daddy Van Anarching