A LONG TIME AGO
IN A GALAXY
FAR, FAR AWAY…
A LONG TIME AGO
Actually, it’s more like…
THE OTHER FRIGGING DAY
IN A LIVING ROOM
RIGHT HERE IN SUNNY FLORIDA
SURROUNDED BY LITTLE KIDS
THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU BATSHIT CRAZY…
THE OTHER FRIGGING DAY
The latest trailer for the new Star Wars flick premiered a little while ago, much to the delight of squeeling nerd-faces everywhere.
Although unlike some of the above mentioned nerd-faces, I didn’t watch it 19017831 times on YouTube. However, I have to admit that I thought it looked pretty damn cool. I remember being just a wee lad and going to the local movie theater with my dad to see the original movies. Watching that trailer and seeing some of my childhood heroes — Han Solo and that furry bastard, Chewbacca — made me a little nostalgic. I mean, not so much so that I put on a pair of Yoda ears and went all googly eyes over a poster of Princess Leia in her Return of the Jedi bikini or anything, but still…
So I decided that I’d take my three little ones to see the latest installment when it comes out this December. I really enjoyed seeing those first three movies with my old man when I was a kid, so I think it’d be neat to carry on the Star Wars tradition with my kids.
That said, I figured that I should probably get them up to speed with the original three Star Wars movies so they can have an idea why all of us old folks are getting so excited to see the original cast back in the saddle. So, off I went to pick up Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. All so we could have a jam packed, light speed, blasters set to fun, family triple feature movie night!
…This all seems pretty simple up to this point, right?
Well, just as sure as Darth Vader is a heavy breather and Ewoks shit in the woods…my simple plan to have a triple feature, full blown fun family movie night was completely derailed by three popcorn and soda fueled, don’t know how to shut the Hell up and watch a movie, question and comment filled little kids.
They didn’t do this shit when they watched Frozen 89 kajillion times…
Upon first seeing Chewbacca:
Tommy (9): Daddy, is that a Bigfoot? It sure looks like a bigfoot.
Me: No. He’s a Wookie.
Raylan (4): WOOKIE!!?? I WANNA WOOKIE!! CHOCRATE FRIP! NO, SPRINKLES! WAIT. MAYBE CHOCRATE FRIP SPRINKLES!!!!
Tommy: He said a Wookie, you dummy. Duh.
Emma (6): I think he looks like a werewoof. A big, scary, smelly werewoof that’s gonna eat Raylan’s toes off when he goes to sleep. *giggles like some sort of deranged lunatic*
Raylan: *looking deeply concerned* Werewoof? I don’t yike no werewoofs. He’s not a werewoof, right daddy? Right?
Me: No, buddy, Chewbacca’s not a …
Emma: AAHHHH-ROOOOOOOO!!!!!! I’M THE BIG, SCARY, SMELLY, STOOPIT WEREWOOOOOLLLLFFFFFFF!!!!!! AND I’M GONNA EAT RAYLAN”S ASGUSTING, STOOPIT TOES OFFFFFFFF!!!! AHHHHHH-ROOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Me: HON!!!??? Help me get the kid down from the ceiling fan, will ya?
Watching Any Of The Neato Space Chases And Starship Battles:
Tommy: Daddy? We could never get a spaceship.
Me: Well…ok. But, uh…why not?
Raylan: I wanna space frip. And go thru the space and go PITCHOO PITCHOO PITCHOO and zap all dose bad guys. And Emma.
Emma: Shut up stoopit face. And it’s a space SHIP-UHH. Not a space FRIP-UHH.
Me: Chill, guys. Tommy? Why couldn’t we get a a spacefrip,..shit…ship. Shit. SPACESHIP!! Why couldn’t we get a spaceSHIP, buddy?
Tommy: Cause of mom.
Me: You mean like she wouldn’t let us get one? Hmm. That’s believable. I mean, heck…she just got mad when I splurged and bought the non-generic popcorn. Imagine I came home with a whole spaceship…
Tommy: No. Not that. It’s just that spaceships don’t have windows you can roll down, and she wouldn’t be able to point her one finger at people and yell at them like she does when she rolls down the window in the car.
Emma: Or when she drives up really super duper close to the car in front of us and starts hitting the steering thingy real hard and making all those faces…she couldn’t pull a spaceship that close to another spaceship.
Raylan: Yeah. Or when she…when she…or when she farts.
Me: Ok, guys. Let’s just watch the movie, ok? *giggles to self then gets kinda sad realizing we’ll never get a spacefrip*
First Time Seeing Yoda:
Tommy: Who the heck is that guy??!!
Me: That’s Yoda. He’s the Jed….
Me: Don’t be a smart ass. Yoda. He’s the Jedi mast…
Emma: He looks like a booger.
Me: He’s not a booger, honey. He’s Yoda. The Jedi master who…
Emma: Look at me! I’m Yogurt the Boogerman! And I have big stoopit ears!
Me: Em. Stop. Yoda is a Jedi master who is helping Luke Sky….
Tommy: Why’s he keep talking like that? Shouldn’t a Jedi master be able to form a sentence?
Emma: I am Boogerman, I am! Boogers I have! Put them on you I will!!
Emma: *shrieking* YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Me: Holy Fu….crap! Sweetie! What happened!!??
Emma: OH. MY. GOSH. DADDEEEEEEEEEEE!!! THOSE ARE REALLY WEIRD LOOKING PUPPIES BUT I WANT ONE!!! No. Two. I WANT TWOOOOO-AHHHH!!!
Me: Uh. Sweetie…we can’t get two Ewoks, honey. You see they’re…
Tommy: Yeah. We can’t get a Ewok cause Darth Vader chops them all up with his lightsaber and then that fat guy Blobbo the Bug or whatever his name is, comes back from the dead and eats the chopped up Ewoks. HA!
Emma: *huge, ginormous tears welling up in eyes* WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Raylan: YEAH! DARK VAPER USES HIS LITE STICK THINGY AND EATS ALL DOSE GUYS AND THEN GOES VAWOOOSH VROOOOM VRRRRRRR WITH HIS LITE STICK THINGY LIKE THIS….
Tommy: MOM!!!! RAYLAN JUST BROKE THE LAMP WITH HIS INVISIBLE LIGHT SABER AND DAD’S TRYING TO HURRY AND CLEAN THE MESS BEFORE YOU FIND OUT AND YELL!!!!
Darth Vader Saying He’s Luke Skywalker’s Dad. Which Would Also Make Him Princess Leia’s Dad Too. Because Luke Skywalker And Princess Leia Are Brother And Sister After All. But Then If They’re Brother And Sister, Why Was There All That Sexual Tension…And That Kiss? And Going Back To The Whole “Luke, I Am Your Father” Shit, Why Didn’t Daddy Darth Ever Say That To Princess Leia? Boy, What A Fucked Up Family These Guys Are:
Tommy: Dad? Why did Dar…
Me: Just shut up and watch the movie.
And Then There Was This:
Tommy: Who’s your favorite guy? I like Luke Skylander!
Me: Skywalker. It’s SkyWALKER!
Tommy: I know. I just thought it’d be cool if Luke Skywalker was a Skylander cause I already have the Skylander bedsheets. And aren’t walkers those zombie guys?
Emma: I like the booger.
Me: Yoda, Emma. Remember, Yoda’s not a booger sweetie.
Raylan: I like the shark! And tater tots!
Me: *looks at Raylan…blinks repeatedly in total and utter disbelief…gets weird craving for tater tots*
Tommy: Daddy, Daddy! Who’s your favorite?
Me: Lando Calrissian!
Tommy: Why him?
Me: Cause Billy Dee Williams is one smooth motherfu…
Me: Sorry…I mean Han Solo. He’s cool. And has a nice vest.
So there ya have it, ladies and wookies…I’m still not really too sure if these little creeps grasped everything that was going on in the movies. I don’t even know if they truly enjoyed it as much as I did growing up. But what I do know, is that I got to sit there and watch not one, but three whole movies with all the kids, where not one of them got up and walked away. Or fell asleep. Or announced that they were bored and wanted to go play on the roof. Come to think of it, I actually kinda liked just being able to hang with all of them like that way better than the movies any way. Maybe next time, I’ll break out the Jaws movies.
Nothing could go wrong there, right?