Mommy Blogs VS. Daddy Blogs

Seems like more often than not, in the land of mommy and daddy blogs, there seems to be some contention as to whether the mommies or the daddies are the better parent…or if they’re even competent enough to take care of the kiddies by themselves.

On one side, you have the moms, who are usually either half in the bag on wine, or complaining about how they wish they were half in the bag on wine. Traditionally speaking, most people see the mom as the prominent parent. They’re marketed to more than dads. More readers gravitate to mommy blogs than daddy blogs. They also tend to talk about boobs more than Playboy does. And it’s never as flattering as Playboy makes it. Also, according to moms everywhere, once they’ve had kids, they haven’t ever been able to poop in peace. The battle stories tend to continue, chronicling things like episiotomies, epidurals, and vaginas stretched to the size of Florida sinkholes. Not to mention, bake sales, car lines, and age lines. All in the name of being a mom.

On the other side, you have the dads, who are usually quite focused on proving the moms wrong, and showing how valued they are as dads. This usually means putting cribs together and having their man panties in a bunch over the oodles of years that the moms have held the “Most Popular, Responsible, Compassionate, Sympathetic, and Loving, Parent Award.” They’re also pretty good at searching out public mens restrooms that don’t have changing tables, grocery store products that are marketed towards women, and mom blogs that make fun of goofy dads. They then spend alot of time jumping up and down, and having a hissy fit over these things, instead of taking their kid to a Cub Scout meeting.

I will admit, that as a dad, I may not have contributed as much as I should have, in respect to advancing the public opinion on the overall competency of dads, as evidenced by the following:

* Sleeping through three kids worth of middle of the night diaper changes. In my defense, I was a raging alcoholic at the time, and probably unconscious.
* Upon seeing my newborn daughter for the first time, saying “OH MY GOD, IS SHE UGLY!!!” And asking the doctor if there was another, better looking one “up there.”
* Considering Fruit Loops to be it’s own food group.
* Making fun of wife for making little carrot stick figures for the kid’s snacks. Adding grapes as boobs for the carrot stick figures.
* Using the threat of a gremlin takeover as a way of bargaining with the kids.

That being said, I do consider myself a relatively unbiased and helpful person — especially now that all of my kids can wipe their own asses — and I’ve decided to put this argument between some of these mommy and daddy bloggers to rest.

You heard it right, folks.

I’m going to declare a winner.

Now, I’m sure some of the mommy bloggers reading this are like, “How is this moron gonna decide who’s the better, more competent parent? He can barely write anything more sensible than a review of the hilarious new anthology “I Just Want To Be Alone.” Put together by Jen from http://peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com
(see what I did there?)

And the daddy bloggers…well, they’re probably too busy staging a boycott of some breakfast cereal that’s got a picture of a mom on the box, to even read this.

Anyway.

This is how I’m going to reach a decision. My wife went out of town tonight to visit with her mother, leaving me at home alone with the three little kids, aged 3, 5, and 8. It’s also Spring Break, which means that seeing school is out, the 8 year old will be continually antagonizing the fuck out of the two littler ones. Being the somewhat observant fella that I am, I also noticed that after I got home from dropping her off at the airport, there were a couple domestic hurdles in front of me:

* There’s no groceries. Which is really gonna suck tonight, when I get a taste for a snacky cake. (She normally does the grocery shopping because I tend to shop with the appetite of a 23 year old pothead.)
* There’s a serious shortage of clean clothes. (She usually does the clothes, because there’s a stray cat that’s taken up residence in the garage, and it fucking hates my guts.)
* The boys need haircuts (She does this on her own, which I guess now leaves me in charge of beautifying the boys)
* The yard needs to get done. (This is my job, but she’s usually keeping the kids busy while I’m playing around with heavy duty power tools.)
* The house looks like a hurricane went through it. (This is actually an everyday occurrence, but she sets the standard that it needs to be cleaned daily.)

So, I’m gonna see just how easy this is, doing it all by myself. I have no babysitters, or family helping out. I’m gonna do it all on my own. Most times, my wife and I split taking care of things pretty evenly, but there’s been quite a few times that she’s managed the brood all on her own. Will I be able to do the same? Will this dad prove that dads are just as competent as moms when it comes to assuming responsibility and taking care of the house and family? We shall see! Next Monday, I’ll post my findings and declare a winner.

At which point I’m sure somebody will declare me an asshole.

Disclaimer: Before somebody gets all bent out of shape and goes ape shit, this is written with tongue firmly planted in cheek. I will however, still be posting results of my little experience, this Monday.

Anyway, I have the utmost respect for all mommy and daddy bloggers. None of us are perfect, but all of us are important.

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daddyanarchy

I write stuff. And I have Poodles. Big Poodles. The Poodles don't write stuff.

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20 Comments on Mommy Blogs VS. Daddy Blogs

  1. Spoiler alert: Neither mom nor dad wins. The kids win. They win EVERY TIME. And they don’t give a shit about anything on your “domestic hurdle” list.

  2. I think I can help you win this one. Pizza delivery, Target run for clean undies, Flowbees for the kids’ hair, get a goat for the lawn, and hire a bulldozer for the crap in the house. But if anyone asks, I am on Team Mom. She’ll probably end up milking the goat.

    • BRILLIANT!!!! I love this! When we lived in South Carolina a couple years ago, there was a goat farm nearby and I kept begging my wife if I could get one. Needless to say, she won that little battle, but how great would it be for her to come home on Saturday, and there was a frigging goat in the house!! Thank God, I don’t drink anymore, or that might’ve been a real possibility. And what the hell is a Flowbee? I gotta look that one up.

  3. This should be interesting…of course you get extra points if you manage to take a nine pound dump before doing the rest of the stuff on your list. Sorry. My nether regions are bitter.

  4. I personally am praying Donna does the right thing and comes home early to rescue her 4 kids. Just kidding Tom. I have the utmost confidence in your ability to feed them cereal for 3 days and sleep on soft laundry on the living room floor.

  5. You’ve single-handedly managed to publicly piss your wife off and shit on bloggers everywhere – equally – all in the same month (territory not ventured into by just anyone)! You, my friend, rock! Or are about to get hit with one. Guess we’ll find out?! And WTF??? Fruit Loops isn’t a food group? Does that mean orange soda isn’t a fruit? No wonder the kids have a Vitamin C deficiency! 😉

  6. This is beautiful! I always thought that dads are the better moms, but don’t tell anyone! Oh and I also read and love daddy blogs because I love me some balance in my life.

  7. Tom, you remain the only Daddy Blogger than I can tolerate on a full stomach. Love you, ya filthy fucker. And I’m totally giving my carrot stick people some grape boobies tomorrow. Yeah, that’s right: MY carrot stick people. The kids will have to make their own.

  8. Lol! I love it! You kicked everybody’s ass equally and that’s a trait I admire in a blogger! 😉 I have also decided that I am going to henceforth refer to my vagina as “The Florida Sinkhole” — that would also make a great band name :)

    • The Florida Sinkhole! Holy Crap, you literally have me crying, I’m laughing so damn hard! It would be a good band name, too! Didn’t yiu do merch at one time?

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