A New Kind Of Health Screening For Kids

Let me just say right off the bat, that I am not in any way licensed, certified, or even remotely smart enough to dispense actual medical advice. Or any advice, for that matter.

Although I totally watched the fuck out of ER back in the day.

As parents, I would think that we always want to make totally sure that our precious lil kiddies grow up safe and relatively normal.



That’s why we have them screened for all sorts of stuff that could negatively affect them. Stuff like hearing, sight, or speech difficulties. And let’s not forget high blood pressure, diabetes, wild Peruvian monkey flu, and things like that.

All these super important screenings can show us if our kids may have issues, whether presently, or in the future, and what can be done to lessen or treat any of them.

So what if we want to ensure our kids don’t grow up to be total assholes?

Can’t we get some sort of early detection screening for that?

Sure, all kids can have assholish moments. Like when your 6 year old daughter doesn’t hear you screaming at the top of your lungs to put away her fucking Elsa doll that you just tripped over. Even though she was only 2 feet away from you when you screamed…er, told her. Now, does she need to get screened for some sort of hearing defect because she didn’t hear? Probably not. Does she need to get screened for Future Possible Asshole Syndrome (this may or may not be an actual clinical diagnosis) for not listening one time? Probably not either. But what if the symptoms are a little more severe than just the occasional not listening? What if they exhibit one or more of the below symptoms? Symptoms like these, if left untreated, could follow the kids into their teenage years, where sure as shit, there is a GINORMOUS possibility that the symptoms become even more exacerbated –and the kids become even more of an asshole. And Heaven forbid, they grow into adults still untreated…a lifelong battle with Assholism.

You know someone. I know someone. We all know someone affected with Adult Assholism, brought on by unchecked and untreated Future Possible Asshole Syndrome in children. Rarely has there been seen an onset of acute Adult Assholism, without early childhood symptoms leading up to it. Lets get these young assholes the screening they need to ensure they don’t wind up full blown adult assholes.

Please, folks…be responsible and monitor your kids for the following (This list is in no way comprehensive. Feel free to add your own symptoms to watch out for in the comments section.)

1. Are they that one kid at the bus stop in the morning?
The bus stop is like the grade school equivalent of being dropped off at the mall to hang out with your friends. It’s the one place that little kids wind up with little or no supervision. I’m that parent who still walks my kids to the bus stop, and some of the shit you see there is truly unbelievable. Grade schoolers cursing at each other like it’s an East Coast/West Coast rap battle. A second grader using a stick to try and flick roadkill at his screaming sister. A weird little kid who walks around in circles, then runs over to a parked car and licks the early morning dew off the window. Far be it from me to pass judgement, but without fail, whenever one of my kids tells me about someone getting in trouble on the bus, it’s always either MC Kindergarten and his lil buddy Snoop Still In Diapers Dogg, or the possum flicker. The window licker doesn’t get in trouble much, but apparently he gets sick quite a bit.

(Please keep your hands, arms, and tongue off other people’s windows.)

2. Are they a “Know It All?”
You know the kind…that one asshole kid who has a fuckin answer to everything.

“Hey Robert! Wanna go to Sea World and see Shamu being treated humanely?”

“To be more precise, they’re not actually Shamus. They’re Orcas.”

“Go fuck yourself, Robert. And your stupid Orcas.”

3. Have they reached 6th Grade and still show absolutely zero social skills?
About a month ago, we took my son and his little 12 year old buddy, Robert out to eat after some event or something. Robert is in the 6th grade. The restaurant, which was a pretty nice place –and at full capacity– offered kids some neat logo posters that they could color. I personally didn’t think at his age, Robert would be interested in coloring a big parrot with a pirate hat, but this kid fancied himself quite the crayon artiste* and set about, tongue hanging out the side of his mouth, to create some sort of crayon colored pirate parrot fuckin masterpiece. So, anyway…this kid then takes his picture and starts asking the people at the table behind us, if they want to buy it. He even signs the thing and tells them it’s a Robert original. A. Robert. Original. Meanwhile, the voices in my head are screaming in unison, “THE FUCKER’S IN 6TH GRADE AND ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS STAY INSIDE THE LINES! WITH A WHOPPING FOUR CRAYONS! MY GREAT GRANDPA COULD DO JUST AS GOOD AND HE HAD BOTH ARMS BLOWN OFF BY A GERMAN TANK IN WORLD WAR TWO. AND HE’S BEEN DEAD FOR 27 YEARS!” When the nice couple behind us politely turn down buying the Robert original, my kid giggles and tells Robert he’s a goofball. Michelangelo JR.** became horribly offended by this and spent the rest of the meal with his shirt over his head, blindly petting his stupid picture and not eating his grilled cheese***. Because that’s apparently what normal, socially adjusted 12 year olds do.


4. Are they an unappreciative fucktard?
Sure, sometimes kids are forgetful and don’t remember to say please or thank you. But when we as parents spend so much time teaching little ones to say please, pretty please, pu-leeze, itsy bitsy pitsy peese, and every variation of thank you under the sun, it gets a wee bit frustrating when you encounter a kid that never ever says any one of them. Ever. Sure, parents are expected to provide things for kids regardless of if they say please and thank you, but I really don’t think any of us want to wind up with that little jerk that avoids common courtesy like it’s somebody else’s booger.

And most importantly…

Yeppers. You heard that right. I’m a firm believer that assholism is hereditary. Case in point, I’m with my kids at an amusement park, and they just got off a kiddie coaster. Which of course means that they wanna go to the booth and look at the ridiculously overpriced, shitty quality picture of themselves making stupid, mock horror faces as they went down the one and only hill. So there we are, patiently waiting our turn to look at the pictures, when this pushy shovey kid that’s like 7 or 8 years old and looks like a potato with arms and legs, comes barreling up between everybody so he can look for his sweaty, potato face on the screens. Before I could have my four year old accidentally kick him in the shin, his dad –or whom I assume is his dad, due to the same potato like qualities– comes huffing and puffing, and weaseling his way in front of everybody to stand next to potato boy. Not only do these two assholes gush over how awesome potato boy’s picture is (it wasn’t,) they proceed to keep standing there and start making fun of other people’s pictures. People, who in no way looked like they belonged in the potato family, might I add. My kids just stood there waiting patiently, because although they are far from perfect, they are actually pretty polite. Me, on the other hand, mumbled something that rhymed with “oochbag ducksticks” under my breath, at which point father and son potato turned around and looked at me.

“Fantastic picture!” I said, “You two look like fucking potatoes****!”

Well, there you have it, folks. I firmly support screening our kids to ensure we’re doing everything we can to limit the possibility of them becoming an asshole later in life. And the best part is, is that it doesn’t require any expensive or invasive testing. It just involves us doing the best we can and trying to raise polite, respectful kids. It might actually even benefit us by leading by example.

And to everyone who thinks I’m the asshole for writing something like this, that’s ok. At least my kids aren’t a bunch of window licking, possum flicking, unappreciative, knowitall oochbags.

Well…not all the time, anyway.

*Just a fancy way of saying “artist,” dumbass.

**That’s Robert for all you non-artsy folks.

***When he finally emerged from the confines of his shirt, Robert informed me it was a “toasted” cheese, not a “grilled” cheese, because it probably wasn’t made on a grill. Duh.

****We don’t go to this particular amusement park anymore.


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4 Comments on A New Kind Of Health Screening For Kids

    • Thanks!

      What’s amazing is that I was able to get off my dead ass and write something longer than a sarcastic status update.

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