Dear Kim Kardashian’s Ass,
Hi. Hope all’s going well in your neck of the woods!
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why would I use “neck” when I’m writing to you…an ass?
Anyhoo, I’m guessing it’s pretty safe to say that everything’s going pretty darn good with you, seeing that you’re always plastered all over the internet and stuff. Heck, I can’t get more than two “I need wine, blah, blah, blah…” status updates from my mom friends on Facebook before I see something about your big self…
“Kim Kardashian’s Ass Breaks The Internet!”
“Kim Kardashian’s Ass Goes Shopping!!”
“Kim Kardashian’s Ass Overheard Calling Kim Kardashian’s Husband An Ass!!!”
“Kim Kardashian’s Ass Takes A Selfie!!!!”
“Kim Kardashian’s Ass Suspected Of Hiding Jimmy Hoffa!!!!!”
All over the place…
It’s almost like your ginormous, overfilled bean bag chair size is in direct proportion to all the constant media coverage you receive.
Big ass. Big coverage.
But(t) lets be honest here, just what is it exactly that you do that makes you so deserving of all this attention?
I mean, you’re just an ass after all.
On a positive note, if anybody ever forgets what an ass looks like, they don’t have very far to look thanks to you. But have you ever stopped to think, “Fuck…I’m just a huge ass…ass. I really don’t do much of anything, so why am I all over the media?” Have you even made any attempt to make the world a better place, using all that big booty popularity of yours?
Think about the positive impact you could have if you just got off your phat self and put your apple shaped enormity to good use!
You could make a cast out of yourself that could be used as a huge dome to house homeless people. Or instead of folks having to dump buckets of ice and stuff on their heads, awareness groups could take up advertising space on you…imagine the exposure they’d get then! Or you could charge a fee to let people jump all over you, like a big, bouncy trampoline! And then donate the money to charity. Or even better, you could let that nurse who was exposed to Ebola and didn’t want to stay home, quarantine herself up there. That’d be fitting.
You know, actually, the more I think about it, the best thing you could do for everybody is just stay politely in the background where all good asses belong, and stop bringing so much attention to yourself. Maybe then the media just might be encouraged to cover more important things like, hmmm…EVERYOTHERFUCKINGTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD!!!
Have a nice day, and stay classy!