Hey everyone! Today, I wanna tell you the story of Bill and Martha Blorg.
They were the very first ever people to completely fuck up parenting.
You see, the Blorgs were cave people.
They lived in a cave, over 7 gajillion years ago.
Bill and Martha were your average cave people, enjoying such things as eating tree roots, making circles in the dirt with a stick, and spending umpteen hours trying to make a wheel out of a rock. They had a relatively quick courtship, which consisted of some hand holding before Bill clobbered Martha over the head with a tree branch and took her back to his cave to make sweet love. After which, they had a romantic dinner of tree bark, before spending the rest of the night pounding rocks against the ground trying to make a fire.
Before they knew it, Martha became pregnant and gave birth to triplets. Two boys and a girl. They named the boys Oofa and Doofa, and the girl Emma, because apparently the name Emma was even popular zillion of years ago.
Anyway, for excited as Bill and Martha were to have kids, they possessed absolutely no idea how to actually be parents.
And it didn’t really help that Bill and Martha were kinda fucking morons.
So, Bill and Martha began observing how the other parents did things. They saw the other parents yelling and waving their hands around, while constantly repeating themselves, saying things like “No” and “Stop it.”
They saw the children of these parents whining and crying, and stomping their feet.
Bill and Martha didn’t understand why these parents would want to put their children through such things! Why would these parents want their children mad at them?
After such careful observations, and in their infinite wisdom, Bill and Martha Blorg decided to do the exact opposite when it came to raising Oofa, Doofa, and Emma. They decided that they were going to try and be best friends to their children.
Immediately following their decision, God laughed. A very long and hearty laugh. But free will being what it is, He let them go about their business.
The early childhood years were relatively easy. If the kids fussed or cried, Bill and Martha just gave them what they wanted, no questions asked. Nothing really backfired at this point, until one day while being chased by a saber toothed tiger, Emma dropped one of her favorite dolls. Bill was scared shitless and didn’t want to get eaten by the charging beast, but on the flip side, he didn’t want Emma mad at him either. So he sucked it up and ran back to get the doll. And wound up getting his arm bitten off. But Emma was happy, and most importantly, he didn’t have to tell her “no.”
As the kids got older, this became more and more of a problem for Bill and Martha. Oofa, Doofa, and Emma realized that all they needed to do was put up a fuss and they’d get what they wanted. Or better yet, if they didn’t want to do something, they just simply didn’t do it. They knew that the worst that would happen is that they might get sent to their room. Whoopty-doo.
With time marching on, Bill and Martha would get into arguments over the lack of discipline…and increasing lack of respect and responsibility the kids were exhibiting. The arguments would usually occur when Martha had finally had enough of the kids laziness or behavior…or both, and would suggest that more discipline or structure was needed in their lives. Bill, who was ever the apologist for the kids, would always bulldoze his way through the argument, never unwavering in his dim witted defense and excuses for why the kids acted the way they did. Martha would eventually be swayed and and submitted to Bill’s points, not so much that she agreed with him, but because arguing with Bill was like arguing with a rock. A really bullheaded, pompous, unwavering in its opinion rock. She especially loved when he would use such terms as “compromise,” when it was abundantly clear that he wouldn’t understand what a true compromise was if it jumped up and bit him in his nuts. So instead of the alternative of having her head explode, she simply backed down and let the kids continue to do whatever they wanted. Because after all, kids do know what’s best for them.
Fast Forward to when the triplets were 22 years old and still living in the cave with Bill and Martha. The other kids that Bill and Martha had watched getting scolded when they were younger had all grown up too. And had gotten jobs and moved out of their parents caves. But not so with Oofa, Doofa, and Emma. They were still staying up all night drawing stupid shit on the cave walls, eating snacky cakes, and basically taking up space. Completely unprepared for adulthood.
One afternoon while Oofa, Doofa, and Emma were lounging around the cave not cleaning up after themselves, Bill and Martha went for a walk to talk about how they just might have been a wee bit wrong about not being a tad more strict with the kids. They walked and talked, and actually wound up agreeing on quite a few things. It was a total breakthrough!
Then a giant, pterodactyl swooped down from out of the sky and chomped them both up.
After the untimely demise of Bill and Martha, Oofa, Doofa, and Emma ran out of luck. They were all adults, yet had absolutely zero sense of responsibility, or any type of skill set to get them by in life. On the other hand though, they sure knew how to eat the fuck out of a bag of Doritos. Oofa and Doofa got by for a while, sponging off what few friends they had, until finally, no one wanted them or their lack of contributions around anymore. They were eventually eaten by a brontosaurus that snuck up on them as they were walking around the Cave Mart parking lot, trying to bum money off people. The last anybody heard from Emma, she was dating a bulky, but brain dead bouncer and dancing at a sleazy strip cave called Titty Rex’s. We’re pretty sure she’d be a crackhead too, if fire would’ve been invented back then.
So there you have it. It’s been oodles of years since Bob and Martha Blorg became the first ever parents to fuck up their kids by not teaching them to be responsible adults. By trying to be more of a friend to their children than a parent. Since then, many more parents have followed suit, thus launching a bunch of disrespectful, non-contributing adult children into the world to sponge off people. And the worst part?
No more dinosaurs.