Hi! My name is Tom.
And I spend a good deal of time irritating the fuck out of my wife.
When I told my wife that I was gonna start a daddy blog, she was very encouraging. She told me I was a pretty good writer. She told me that I was kinda funny. She told me that I was really good with the kids when they weren’t falling down and stuff when I watched them.
And oh yeah, she told me that if I crossed any lines while writing my daddy blog, she’d, and I quote, “knock your ridiculously large head completely off your fucking shoulders.” End quote.
As is the norm, I immediately agreed without quite knowing what she was talking about, and went merrily on my way to start my little daddy blog.
Having had a fair amount of experience in all things Tom, my always prepared wife must’ve known I had zero clue about what she was talking about, so she was kind enough to provide the following list of blog related rules for me to strictly adhere to:
TOM’S LIST OF SHIT HE BETTER NOT WRITE ABOUT IN HIS SILLY LITTLE BLOG
By: Tom’s Wife
1. Do not write about me in a way that makes me look bad. Or, I’ll rip your nuts off.
2. Do not mention that I yell alot. DON’T SCREW THIS UP, ASSHOLE!
3. Don’t say anything about how I cook. And before you think you’re so smart with a comment about how I don’t cook, read #4. Smartass.
4. Don’t dare say anything about how I don’t cook. BTW, set your alarm for dinnertime, so you can order a pizza. I don’t feel like cooking tonight.
5. Don’t say anything about how I don’t like to wash clothes. PS: Buy new underwear when you’re at the store later. You’re all out. And so are the kids. Buy them some too.
6. Don’t say anything about how much I swear. I’m not fucking with you on this, Tom-Ass!
7. Don’t write about how I don’t like to clean. Oh, yeah. When was the last time you dusted? I can write my name on the fridge.
8. Don’t be a moron and say that I love my job more than you dumbasses. And just so you know, I’m working a double on your birthday. Get over it, cry baby.
9. Don’t write anything about how you think you’re an abused husband, or I’ll beat your ass with a frying pan while you’re sleeping.
10. Most importantly: NO PICTURES OR VIDEOS OF ME. I MEAN IT, TOM. I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND! NONE! LET ME SAY IT AGAIN, SO YOU CAN TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND… NO PICTURES OR VIDEOS OF ME!
I took a picture of her.
Then I plastered it all over social media.
And Ladies and Gentlemen, that’s right about the time she completely blew up. Like Mt. Vesuvius blew up. KaBoom.
Let me just go ahead and summarize what I learned:
* I’m an asshole
* Apparently the degree of asshole a person can be is measured by how loudly that person is called an asshole.
* That being said, I’m a very, very, very big asshole.
* I don’t listen to anything because I don’t have a brain. And she doesn’t have a brain either, because she obviously married somebody without a brain.
* I’m the stupidest person in the world. Even stupider than the future stupidest person in the world.
* I may very well soon find out just exactly what a Google Chromebook tastes like.
* I’m apparently not going to be partaking in any good, sweet loving any time in the foreseeable future.
* If I don’t hurry up and delete the offending picture, there’s a strong possibility that I’ll have my scrotum pulled completely over my head, and then be punched simultaneously in both the balls and the face.
I’d say those were some fairly convincing arguments as to why I should get rid of the picture.
In my defense though, the picture wasn’t anything too horrible. It’s not like I caught her doing something disgusting or embarrassing, or anything. Heck, she even had all her clothes on. But, I didn’t listen and follow her rules, which was wrong. That being said, I apologize to my wife for taking her picture and posting it. This apology is totally sincere and not because I’m 900% scared for my well being. For reals.
Well, I deleted the picture. She’s still not too thrilled with me, but at least all my man stuff is where it should be, and not pulled completely over my head. However, I don’t think it’s very fair that I can’t have my wife in any pictures or videos on my blog, or social media pages…
So, going forward, the following will be used as a substitute for my wife in all pics and videos:
There you have it. I think this is a pretty good compromise, right?
I mean, I don’t see how this can go wrong…