Unsolved Mysteries (Kitchen Edition)


The Loch Ness Monster.

The Bermuda Triangle.

What the heck happens to matching socks in the dryer.

All of these are great unsolved mysteries, but there’s always some kind of evidence that leads us to believe that there’s something tangible behind the mystery.

With Bigfoot, there’s the gigundous foot prints that researchers attribute to the beast. Or the famous picture of the hairy fella, off in the distance, power walking through the forest. With the Loch Ness Monster, there’s all sorts of scientific yada yada, like sonar blips and readings from the deep water morginstrustrater*. There’s also that equally famous grainy photo of the giraffe necked leviathan poking it’s head above water. The Bermuda Triangle- stories have abounded for years about ships and planes disappearing in this mysterious part of the Atlantic Ocean. People have said these disappearances could be related to everything from Aliens to the Lost City of Atlantis. And how can we forget the mystery of what happens to matching socks in the dryer? With alarming frequency, people all over the world wash their socks and put them in the dryer, only to check on them an hour later to find one sock out of the pair has gone missing. Could it be Aliens again? Some crazy dryer monster? Who knows.

This brings me to a new unsolved mystery that I’ve discovered.

The mysterious case of what the hell happens in the Daddy Anarchy family kitchen when I’m not in it.

The first thing I noticed is the mysterious multiplication of forks in the sink. We have 2 adults in the house and 4 kids – one of which (the teenager) predominantly eats with his hands. I’m in charge of doing the dishes, and I do them quite often, so it really throws me for a loop and sends my supernatural conspiracy theories soaring, when I walk back into the kitchen half an hour after doing the dishes and find 17 forks (just a wee bit exaggerated) in the sink. I’m not a mathematician or anything, but with the amount of people in the house, this just doesn’t add up. And if there’s forks, where the hell are the dishes?

Another kitchen mystery is the rapid depletion of any kind of snacky cakes or other treats I hide away for myself. At first I thought it was the kids pillaging and plundering the goodies, so as a counter-attack, I moved the stuff to higher ground. Specifically a rarely used cupboard above the top of the fridge. Being like a ninja when it comes to my double chocolate krispy cake bombs, I even moved them to their new location in the dark of the night, when everybody else was asleep. I didn’t even let the Poodles see where I put my stash, because Poodles are pretty smart…and just so happen to love snacky cakes. I wasn’t taking any chances.
It goes without saying that I scratched my head and uttered a “What the f…?” when I went to get my box ‘O goodies down from it’s hiding place and found there was only one left. Unless somebody has the kitchen wired with hidden cameras, or was a better ninja than I, how could this have happened? Boggles the mind.

The other weird thing going on in the kitchen actually takes place in the fridge. Whenever we have something good in the fridge – by “good” I mean stuff like cheesecake, jello, apple pie, pudding – it appears that something living in the fridge comes out and eats this stuff. At first, you can tell that the mysterious fridge feeder is testing the waters. It usually just takes a little taste, leaving behind a little dent the size of a pinky finger. This is usually followed up shortly thereafter, with larger chunks missing. An inspection of the bite marks has led me to believe that the mysterious fridge feeder either has very sharp, close together, pointy teeth…or it’s using a fork. Hmm.

Wanting to get to the bottom of this mystery because I was well, hungry…somebody ate the all the rice pudding except for one bite, I set up a sting operation. I loaded up the cupboard on top of the fridge with a brand new box of raspberry filled cupcakes, put an untouched piece of cheesecake in the fridge, and did all the dishes, before turning off the kitchen light. Then I hid my fat ass in the kitchen pantry with a flashlight and waited. The pantry is a pretty decent size and allowed me to stand fairly comfortably while waiting to see if I could solve the mystery. Unfortunately, after about 12 minutes of standing there, I got bored and wound up getting into a box of corn flakes, a bag of peanuts, and some warm 7-Up. Apparently, all that crunching I was doing covered up any sounds going on in the kitchen. When I finally emerged from the pantry after a grand total of 37 minutes, (I would have stayed in longer, but all that warm 7-Up really makes you have to pee) I noticed the light was on. Upon further inspection, I found 6 forks in the sink, the cupboard above the fridge was wide open, and the box of cupcakes had been torn open. 4 out of the 8 cupcakes were missing. Opening up the fridge, I found the piece of cheesecake almost completely devoured. Only some crumbs and a piece of the crust remained.

Now, having watched almost every episode of CSI:Miami, I considered myself a pretty good investigator, so I was able to piece a few things together. First of all, I figured that I must have almost caught whoever, or whatever was doing this redhanded, as the cupboard was still open and there were still half the cupcakes left. I then inspected the forks in the sink…there were 6, but only 4 had what appeared to be cheesecake remnants. Then there was the smoking gun. My 5-year-old daughter’s pink step stool. It was on the floor, right next to the fridge, with 3 Diary of a Wimpy Kid books piled on top of it. This still wouldn’t have allowed her to reach the cupcake cupboard, but the 7-year-old sure as hell could. I found all 3 of the little kids in the playroom (the teenager was not a suspect at this time because there was some effort and ingenuity it took to pull this off so quickly and almost efficiently, and being a teenager, we all know that he doesn’t possess any of those things.)

After looking at the little kids, I immediately knew which one to start with. Raylan, our 3-year-old looked pissed, and as all parents know, the kid that’s pissed, is the kid that’s gonna be the informant,

After a brief interrogation, where one of the remaining cupcakes had to be used as a bargaining chip, Raylan gave me the whole story. All 3 of them had been frequently ransacking the kitchen when my wife and I thought they were quietly playing in the playroom. Yes, quietly playing should have been the tipoff. Anyway, the 7-year-old heard me bragging to my wife about my ninja skills, and was able to figure out my top of the fridge cupboard hiding spot. The markings on the food in the fridge was due to fork marks, which thankfully, is a lot less scary than some little razor toothed fridge monster. The abundance of forks in the sink? Each kid doubled fisted with 2 forks each. The reason Raylan was pissed was that they had been surprised when I started coming out of the pantry, and they had to bolt, without him getting his fair share of cupcakes.

So there you have it. Mystery solved. I admit, that at first I thought there might have been some cool supernatural reason behind these things, just like the other big unsolved mysteries of the world, but I guess not. If but nothing else, I’m thankful to my kids for keeping me on my toes. My wife, of course told me that I’m a moron, and all I had to do was ask her about these things and she could have told me, but what fun would that have been. Plus, the best part of this? My wife’s all like “OMG, I think we have a mouse or something! There’s corn flakes and peanuts all over the floor in the pantry!”

Ha! Who’s the moron now?

(Raylan the Informant)

* morginstrustrater- I totally made this word up


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